Dear Abby:

My husband is a rotten liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and BS with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints to everyone that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore -- you're a United States Senator from New York now.

So I went to the eye doctor today, and the eye doctor said, "Bob, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Shocked, I replied, "Oh, dear God, no! Am I going blind?!"

"No," said the good eye doctor, "It's just making me really uncomfortable."